Opposite Emotions

We can not feel two opposing emotions at the same time. It is either one or the other and hardly anyway around it. If we are stressed, angry, frustrated etc we cant feel empathy, care, love at the same time. As a struggling parent, when I felt so tired and stressed I can’t be loving too, I will snap, shout, rage when I am in this state; though, I care about my kids—I can not be patient when I am in my “red zone”. When this happen I am seen as mean and unfair, I realized the sad side of my outbursts when my anger mellowed down. We need to bring down our hate before we can feel love and vice versa.

In those times that I shouted and raged, It does not mean I hated you guys. It is just that being a human I cant juggle the 2 opposite emotions. Many times, I shouted, punished, said words I should not have said… that I only realized how painful my actions were when the hate dissipates. When things slowed down and I am alone with my thoughts then I realized I should have not acted that way. Sorry.

Liam on the lead

It has been a awhile since I went out with the kids and their mom to the mall. I realized that the roles of the two kids has tilted a bit. I noticed that Liam has a more assertive and confident role while Kenzo is still unsure and socially maladjusted. Liam accompanies his brother to the CR, around the stores independently away from me.

Liam has gotten more confident while Kenzo is still learning and following his younger brother’s lead, this is disappointing seeing him mature very slowly. Kenzo still whines about almost anything while his mom and Liam caters to his need.

I know people adapt slowly and I am in a way like Kenzo. It is very difficult for him (and me) to come out of our comfortable shell but to survive we need to learn how and learn it sooner than later.

Liam’s money

Few months ago I was pleasantly surprised when Liam brought home a stash of coins. I asked where he got it. He said he rented out his fan during their field demo activity.

Liam brought to school a portable battery operated fan. Field activity is humid and hot, when his classmates saw his fan they wanted to borrow but he rented it out. 10 Pesos for 10 minutes and inspite of the high price his classmates took the bait and paid him for it.

Real talk: Money is important, the narrative is to make it as not that important and other things like kindness, humility to be more valuable. I agree other things like kindness are important but they are not more important than money. I think what is the best route is to be rich and be kind, fair etc.

So Liam perhaps has this natural instinct to capitalism. He saw the opportunity to earn and made the most out of it. At home you can pay him to do the chores, like 5 pesos to bring his clothes up etc.. his mom pays him to pluck white hair. He also keeps an ATM toy with money in it. as per his last count it was about 3K already.

Again, money is very important and also it would be nice to still be a good human being while he is chasing money.

A slice of an athlete’s life.

After joining Football, I also enrolled them at a basketball camp. We had a wild schedule and we enjoyed it. Though towards the end Liam started to complain about little pain and feeling fatigued. The schedule every weekends will be 8 to 10 am Football, 4 to 6pm basketball and in between will be rest, study and meals. Our Saturday and Sunday will start at 7am and end at 7pm all of those things above cramped together. It was fun but I think Liam is the most affected, his frail body started to get some little pains from the sked.

I hope them to be sporty so they can build confidence (this will benefit Kenzo more), learn new skill, be sociable (again, for Ken), pry them away from gadgets and be fit.

After 2 grueling months of this sked, the basketball camp sadly stopped. I think they did not get the needed number of enrollees to continue. They are now just on football.

Football

In a snap Kenzo tagged Liam along to join a football camp. Last summer I asked them if they want to learn football and they said no. At around September we went to King’s Alley in Vermosa and joined. They immediately enjoyed it. I also enjoyed it because Vermosa is a great place where I can walk around, the place is safe, windy and the other parents are accomodating and nice.

I get to shoot two birds with one stone because I can do some walking and they play. We can both enjoy the activity. Football is also a great way to go outdoors and be under the sun.

after each training, we go home in a lighter mood due to the endorphins, inspite of the sweat and fatigue we are mostly happy.

It is now January and they are still at it and I think they might be liking it more than basketball.

School of Hard Knocks

Life is hard. Adult life is extra hard.

I told the boys earlier that when they become adults they can not walk into Nike and ask for a new shoes, because your old shoes does not fit anymore, once they become adults that cant happen anymore. Unlike now that they can ask for new shoes or food and they only thing it takes is ask for it.

They are things that they have to do that they are not happy doing, it is not fun, they dont like, hated etc just to survive. If things dont go their way they cant just cry and expect mommy to always help them. Life is hard and sadly that is how it is and how it is going to be.

Right now the tough things that they are required to do is study, be a nice kids and a bit of sports. When they become an adult things will be harder and fun things to do will be lesser.

Right now the boys are stuck inside the house playing online games. Food, gadgets, clothes, stuff just fall on their lap by just asking for it. I Hate to be the bearer of bad news but it aint going to remain that way forever.

Basketball

Middle of June till 1st weeked of July was their basketball camp. I was successfull in egging them to join, particulary Kenzo. Kenzo has an advantage over other kids in dribbling and shooting, sadly Kenzo is not familiar on how to play team basketball. I will not say that he is the worst player in the camp but he is about a little better than a few kids. He was placed in the toughest group together with kids 2-4years older than him which put him in a disadvantge. There are many kids who are way faster and stronger than him. Shooting-wise like shooting freethrows he can easily compete but not in other skills.

The biggest problem he encountered was on the last 3 days of camp. The coach asked them to look for a partner to play one on one with but sadly the count was odd and he was left without a partner. He was too timid to tell the coach, he went around asking other kids but other kids were with a partner already. It was painful to watch that he was there without a partner while all kids are happy playing their one on one. That one one one is special for him because the day before we practiced his jump hook that he plan to use on his one on one, sadly he was not included.

When the tournament started was also a problem for him. He dont know how to position himself to get the ball and how to move around. Other older kids saw him as a weak link and wont pass the ball to him. He ended up a few rebounds, a steal but no one passed the ball to him. Last day was even worst because he got less rebounds, no steal but 2 attempts and made 1 shot. I can see how unhappy he was of his performance. Other kids are getting their shots even kids who know less basketball get better shots and passes.

Meanwhile, Liam was very at home in a crowd. Kids are drawn to him and a few kids ended up to be his basketball camp friend. He scored baskets in his tournament, was told by the coach to spot up etc. Liam casually enjoyed and glide thru the camp. While Kenzo’s shyness was excruciating to watch as it hinders his development and made him look weird.

Tomorrow is the start of the second module. As of now, I still dont know if they are going to join. Kenzo I think is a bit traumatized because he cant fit in.

My pet Max.

He died last night.

Looking back I now felt a tinge of guilt by not getting him the best care. I could have done better. I just watched him slowly get weaker and hoped that the medcines given by the Vet will be enough. I could maybe asked for another Vet’s opinion. I should have, could have….

When I got him, he was the runt of the litter. He is on the wayside, smaller and often just sleeping compared to his other hyperactive siblings. But an “inactive” Belgian Malinios is still vety active compared to other dogs. I started to teach him how to use the treadmill and he eventually loved it. He need a way to expel his energy and riding the treadmill was a big fun hobby together. However, one day he decided to pee on the treadmill and it malfunctioned. I tried to have it fixed but after a few weeks it conked out again. That was the last time he run on the treadmill.

I intially got him to be a guard dog but he did not end up to be one. He dont bark at people, except those who took the garbage and some vendors outside. It was kinda frustrating for me that he wont guard our house, though he has a very strong prey drive against cats, rats, birds and other animals. He killed countless of animals, sometimes we will just see a dead carcass splattered.

We used to have a grass lawn that he sadly dug to death. He ruined our garden untill we gave up and paved it and turned it to a basketball court.

The worst he did and I never forgave myself for it and silently blamed max too was when he run to Liam and scratch Liam’s face. That deeply scarred Liam and even now people see his facial scar. It was tough to accept. cant blame it all on Max, as he was just trying to play. Looking back, i should ve been more cautious. That one thing is a hate I kinda have for Max. I kinda made me like him less for that incident that is not really his fault.

All those things were just now part of my memories. He is now gone and can never go back. I thank him for the 5years he spent with me, it was not all joy and fun, bad things but overall it is still some great stuff. Run on, Max.

Laz-Boy

I used to have a Lazyboy that I got from my father that he inherited from his brother. It was a hand me down and was used by at least 5 people before I got the chance to get it. When it was my chance to get it, it was already badly re-upholstered by my mother. The fabric was cheap and it looks horrible but I still took it because it is still a Laz-boy, that I called the G.O.A.T of chairs. After owning Laz-boy for about 5yrs I gave it to my in laws and they hated it and I think they eventually threw it.

I like to read, daydream and watch TV, that is about the 3 things I do most, that is perfect to do comfortably sitting on a recliner. For more than a decade I had been planning to buy but it is to bulky, ugly and expensive that is why i always defer buying. I love to buy but it is to bulky, I want to have my own and not use the old hand-me-down but it is expensive etc. so many reason that stops me from buying and one reason to buy—it is very a comfortable chair. Every time I watched re-reuns of Friends I am always reminded to buy. I see Chandler and Joey enjoys theirs and I wanted to get myself one too.

Finally, after more than a decade I finally took the plunge. I decided I had to do it, I am getting old and I might run out of time. It maybe now or never. One Sunday, I asked the whole family to meet me at ATC and we headed to Blims to get it. One our way there I even told the kids “there are few things you wont forget buying, your first car and your first Laz-Boy”.

I thought I am the only one who will use it and appreciate it. When it arrived I have to fall in a queue because the 2 kids want their time there too. They are happy with it, they thinks it is very comfy and there were few times that they fought over who is going to sit first.

It is worth every buck and maybe I regret not buying it sooner.

One that broke the Camel’s back

anytime that someone is stressed, fatigued, depressed etc that person will one day snap. The emotional stress he/she needs to carry everyday will break him/her eventually. Even our strongest bridges or mightiest mountains can not hold forever. Sadly, something snapped yesterday.

Yesterday was planned to be nice. I bought lunch, donuts, Gatorade and I was expecting a happier day because Ken’s school is short and the kids will have more time to play and relaxed than most school days.

However, while playing in a way to bully Liam, kenzo mixed his Rubik’s cube that Liam bought few hours ago from his friend. Liam planned for days, openned his coin bank to buy that Rubik’s cube and was happy to show it to us when he got home. Now the toy is all mixed up and was mixed on purpose to make fun or hurt Liam. When I learned about it, I just lost it and spewed all the harsh words and even pushed them to go inside the house, I smashed a toy trash bin with a punch, I kicked a ball to Ken’s leg, I took a knife to stab their basketball. I just lost it. All stored frustrations, fatigued, life’s problem all landslides to that moment. I shouted all the words like fuck, stupid, shit etc.

After my emotional tantrums, I texted their mom that I need to leave. For the longest time I have been asking her if I could leave. The house breeds negativity, hate and it is now very toxic, it never had even a weekend in peace there is always someones throwing a fit, shouting, swearing.

I have been wishing to leave. I cant be here and be snappish when things go south. I am more of a hurt than a help. I no longer have a patience and I am treated here just like a glorified maid. If I stay more bad thinsg will just happen.

My plan now is to hide in my room and just do my chores when I have to but otherwise I will just be alone in my room, and just be what I am treated to be a—a glorified maid.

2022

2022 is gonna end in a few hours. It has been a fairly alright year than the last two. It brought things that were bad, good and great. Problems that carried over from the past years that I am still battling, new problems this year and also a few of hopeful things mixed in.

First half of 2022 was tough because of the water interruptions (which we started to experience again a few days ago), online school and all the chores that I have to do made the 1st half really tough. The 2nd half brought in new hope as school went back to hybrid and last November 3 to 4 days of face to face.

Last year also made Kenzo part of the Honor Roll which we are all happy about. Liam also got really amazing grades which made his Mum and I proud.

2nd half of the year was also the time when Liam started to blossom. Actual classes had helped him a lot in exploring and braodening his experience. He started to become very curious, independent, happy, friendly etc. He is starting to move away from the shadow of his brother.

Sadly, Kenzo is on the downhill. He experienced a lot of stress lately, he is trying to overstep his boundaries, he is trying to get hold of his independence. Most of the time he refuse to listen, he became defiant. His grade this school year was also the worst I have seen since he started school. It is not in a good path. I undertstand that he is gonna be a teen next year and will start to wish for more freedom and wanting to heard. He is no longer a kid that we “bubble wrap” versus the danger of the world; he now needs to explore on his own.

I am still battling my own demons and the wear and tear is now getting evident on how I see things. I scamper further inside my shell and wallow in my own miseries. Oh well….

I am quite hopeful for next year, I have not been this hopeful for a long time now, I know new things can have a potential to be great or really bad depending on how my dice will roll.