1daysooner

There is an org that looks for volunteers for human trials in the development of Covid19 vaccines. It is 1daysooner and I signed up last night, maybe it is a way to do something worthwhile than just wasting my life with my only contribution to this world is expelling carbon dioxide to make plants breathe.

The only worry I have are possible intrusion to privacy ( like being naked ) so you can be physically checked in the name of science. I saw a movie (or was it Friends?)  where the lead had an unusual growth near his butt and his doctor showed it to all his students, interns etc while he is butt naked. Will there be embarrassing prostate and hemeroid test? Those are just my worries about the whole thing.

In a way, it felt good. At least I can exit the world(worst case scenario) with a tiny contribution to it. I dont know what will be the next process after.. I will just wait.

 

Teenage wars

Sue mentioned that she was having difficulty handling Sam now that she is about to start college. I asked her to ask Sam what course will she take? I suggested  to start from a goal she wants to happen to her 10yrs from now and find courses that will lead her to that goal, right now maybe she is overwhelmed with the options. But Sam does not want those kind of talks and brushed her off.  “I dont enjoy these kind of talks” was the answer Sue got. I adviced Sue to let her be and just trust her to make the right choices.

If we (parents) dont have history of pep talks with our kids, it is awkward to just spring out and start  a conversation. I dont know Sam and Sue’s convo history but maybe it is not that established that is why Sam reacted that way, but i dont know.

Just like other Asian families, we want to try to have a control on our kid’s future. I think one of the reason is because we keep our kids with us up to their adulthood and having a bad career will be an additional cross to bear for the parents if the kid failed to have a career. Unlike other cultures at 21 their kids are already independent and had left the house, so any wrong career decisions with be on the kid to bear.

Adults often say, teens foolishly thought that they already figured life out. As adults we thought since we are older we understood all the variables of life, but truth is we also dont have an idea. The Fact that we still commit stupid mistakes and wrong turns is a proof that we are as clueless. How can we tell our kids what path to take when we are struggling on our own wrong path? It is like the ineffectiveness of an obese gym coach or trainer, It is hilarious to be convinced by someone like him to eat healthy while he munch on a cheeseburger.

Teens believe they know, and adults believe they know better..  but truth is both dont have an idea on how to correctly deal with the every ponderables of life.

Blame Game

The other day Liam accidentally broke Kenzo’s glasses, everyone went to a panic state because optical shops in the malls are all closed, and no where to have it fixed now. Kenzo was soo mad, I am too and both of the kids were hysterical. It was a tough time, to be honest, because Kenzo needed it, his glasses are expensive to replace, and there is no place to have it fixed until the quarantine is lifted.

I saw the glasses’ arm torn and according to kenzo this was because Liam hit him, Liam’s defense was his brother was trying to bully him. It was chaos. But one thing that kinda shocked me was when Liam admitted his guilt and blamed himself. While talking to his mom over the phone Liam kept blaming himself and giving himself a list of punishments. I heard him say “I am pinching myself right now” “I am not gonna sleep in the room with you (because he sleeps with his mum).” It was my first time I heard him say it and give himself punishments. It was painful to hear coming from a young boy.

Last night Liam was playing a video game and he was very close in completing the level, maybe after several tries he cried and blamed himself again ” I am sooo dumb.”

He is veering towards self blame when things go horribly wrong, which Ken never did.

Honestly, I dont know how to handle this, but my guess, all is due to our bad parenting and the crumbling family relationship we proudly wave (*sarcasm). This is new to me and I am scared, confused and clueless now.

Being on the EDGE

On my third day of being injured, I injured my back and cannot move. I have to move around the house using an improvised cane, doing number 2 in the toilet is scary and difficult. When taking a bath I cannot reach down to soap below my knees. My phone the other day slipped from my hand and I instinctively drop down to catch it and the jolt of pain was horrible. I am almost immobile, good thing I am a bit ok now, it is still painful but I can now do most chores except squatting down.

Being on edge: I had an epiphany while immobile on my bed, that difficulties in life add up and push us closer to the edge. When we reach that edge it only take one small thing to frustrate us to lose it. While on my bed and cannot move I asked Kenzo to close the door but he was not listening and sadly that add to my frustrations and made me lose it instantly. I shouted and slapped his knee to make him F**king close the door. When we are already on the edge, our saturation point, we only need a slight push to tip us over.

Unfortunately, I am like that in my daily life. The frustration about my life, crisis of my family life, my dysthymia, my fears, the crumbling or my crumbled marriage, being “invisible” and worthless and scores of other things that put me on my emotional edge. Just a wrong move, a visible clutter,  stupid replies, loud tantrums, whining, fighting, a misplaced logic etc can easily tip me over. Life should not be lived this way, as I exist this way I bring my kids down with me and they have to absorb all of it,  unfair for the kids to have to deal with all of these.

Tiktok Boy

Liam’s is willing to do TikTok videos, unlike his brother. I think he loves it and enjoy that everyone are happy with his comical exagerations. I think he is coordianted and musical that is why his videos are natural and funny.  His new videos are passed around, repeated and enjoyed. I myself are looking forward for more.

He is a fun kid and willing to entertain.

 

Teens vs Parents

Generations after generations there have been a contant battle between most teens vs their parents. Teens start to establish his/her independence while the parents tries to hold on to it, because they are not ready to let go yet. They are scared that their children will make the wrong decisons, maybe scared that they gonna do the same mistakes they committed when they are young.

Pre historic humans when they reached about their teen-years are supposed to start their own family and head out and be independent from their parents. But our culture, mainly because of the kids still have to attend college, they must still stay under the protection and guidance of their parents until they graduated. I think it is frowned upon to start a family at under 18 years old but instinctively  a teen feels they are ready to be on their own, yes scared but their instinct is telling them they can do it, if they are pushed to do it.  Modern human’s evolution is not fast enough to be at pace with cutural changes. Starting a family (at least) at your mid 20s is a relatively new norm, maybe about 100 years and we have not evolve fast enough to adapt to this change.

Young kids are influenced mostly by their parents but as they grow older that influence starts to wane and new influences like media (movies, songs, sports figure etc) and friends take the spot as the influencer from the parents, which parents are not yet ready to lose. The attempt to get more influence creates a Tug of War  between dependence and independence that builds distrust, anger, frustration and hate.

I think the solution is for parents to realize that they also have no idea on how to go around life. Yes we are older but it is not as if we have coast thru our life without big mistakes, most of us failed in our relationship, school, career, finances etc. it is kinda hard to ask our teens to listen to us as if we ourselves have not figured life out yet. We made wrong turns and we still continued to do so, it is a hard sell to order our kids that we can decide for them. Our defense is “we dont want them to make our mistakes”. Sure. I agree. But that does not mean we already understood life and all its variables. Yes, the parents have a treasure chest of experience and the teens have idealism and energy. if might be better  to combine all these learnings and abilities to co-create a better decisons about the future, the path to take and the love to explore.

 

ME

 

I am a damaged individual, with emotional baggages, fears, weakness and strengths. It is going to be too pretentious of me to tell how my kids should live their life because I myself have not figured life out and still making massive mistakes. The best I can do is to suggest but not force them, let them make their conclusions and be fucking ACCOUNTABLE of thier wrong decisons. One thing I hated in my marriage life was ignored in the decsion making but when things did not happen as planned and when ” the shit hits the fan”I will be asked to clean it up.

Kids if you want to make your path, you also have to be responsible for the problems on that path.