Basketball

Middle of June till 1st weeked of July was their basketball camp. I was successfull in egging them to join, particulary Kenzo. Kenzo has an advantage over other kids in dribbling and shooting, sadly Kenzo is not familiar on how to play team basketball. I will not say that he is the worst player in the camp but he is about a little better than a few kids. He was placed in the toughest group together with kids 2-4years older than him which put him in a disadvantge. There are many kids who are way faster and stronger than him. Shooting-wise like shooting freethrows he can easily compete but not in other skills.

The biggest problem he encountered was on the last 3 days of camp. The coach asked them to look for a partner to play one on one with but sadly the count was odd and he was left without a partner. He was too timid to tell the coach, he went around asking other kids but other kids were with a partner already. It was painful to watch that he was there without a partner while all kids are happy playing their one on one. That one one one is special for him because the day before we practiced his jump hook that he plan to use on his one on one, sadly he was not included.

When the tournament started was also a problem for him. He dont know how to position himself to get the ball and how to move around. Other older kids saw him as a weak link and wont pass the ball to him. He ended up a few rebounds, a steal but no one passed the ball to him. Last day was even worst because he got less rebounds, no steal but 2 attempts and made 1 shot. I can see how unhappy he was of his performance. Other kids are getting their shots even kids who know less basketball get better shots and passes.

Meanwhile, Liam was very at home in a crowd. Kids are drawn to him and a few kids ended up to be his basketball camp friend. He scored baskets in his tournament, was told by the coach to spot up etc. Liam casually enjoyed and glide thru the camp. While Kenzo’s shyness was excruciating to watch as it hinders his development and made him look weird.

Tomorrow is the start of the second module. As of now, I still dont know if they are going to join. Kenzo I think is a bit traumatized because he cant fit in.

Laz-Boy

I used to have a Lazyboy that I got from my father that he inherited from his brother. It was a hand me down and was used by at least 5 people before I got the chance to get it. When it was my chance to get it, it was already badly re-upholstered by my mother. The fabric was cheap and it looks horrible but I still took it because it is still a Laz-boy, that I called the G.O.A.T of chairs. After owning Laz-boy for about 5yrs I gave it to my in laws and they hated it and I think they eventually threw it.

I like to read, daydream and watch TV, that is about the 3 things I do most, that is perfect to do comfortably sitting on a recliner. For more than a decade I had been planning to buy but it is to bulky, ugly and expensive that is why i always defer buying. I love to buy but it is to bulky, I want to have my own and not use the old hand-me-down but it is expensive etc. so many reason that stops me from buying and one reason to buy—it is very a comfortable chair. Every time I watched re-reuns of Friends I am always reminded to buy. I see Chandler and Joey enjoys theirs and I wanted to get myself one too.

Finally, after more than a decade I finally took the plunge. I decided I had to do it, I am getting old and I might run out of time. It maybe now or never. One Sunday, I asked the whole family to meet me at ATC and we headed to Blims to get it. One our way there I even told the kids “there are few things you wont forget buying, your first car and your first Laz-Boy”.

I thought I am the only one who will use it and appreciate it. When it arrived I have to fall in a queue because the 2 kids want their time there too. They are happy with it, they thinks it is very comfy and there were few times that they fought over who is going to sit first.

It is worth every buck and maybe I regret not buying it sooner.

One that broke the Camel’s back

anytime that someone is stressed, fatigued, depressed etc that person will one day snap. The emotional stress he/she needs to carry everyday will break him/her eventually. Even our strongest bridges or mightiest mountains can not hold forever. Sadly, something snapped yesterday.

Yesterday was planned to be nice. I bought lunch, donuts, Gatorade and I was expecting a happier day because Ken’s school is short and the kids will have more time to play and relaxed than most school days.

However, while playing in a way to bully Liam, kenzo mixed his Rubik’s cube that Liam bought few hours ago from his friend. Liam planned for days, openned his coin bank to buy that Rubik’s cube and was happy to show it to us when he got home. Now the toy is all mixed up and was mixed on purpose to make fun or hurt Liam. When I learned about it, I just lost it and spewed all the harsh words and even pushed them to go inside the house, I smashed a toy trash bin with a punch, I kicked a ball to Ken’s leg, I took a knife to stab their basketball. I just lost it. All stored frustrations, fatigued, life’s problem all landslides to that moment. I shouted all the words like fuck, stupid, shit etc.

After my emotional tantrums, I texted their mom that I need to leave. For the longest time I have been asking her if I could leave. The house breeds negativity, hate and it is now very toxic, it never had even a weekend in peace there is always someones throwing a fit, shouting, swearing.

I have been wishing to leave. I cant be here and be snappish when things go south. I am more of a hurt than a help. I no longer have a patience and I am treated here just like a glorified maid. If I stay more bad thinsg will just happen.

My plan now is to hide in my room and just do my chores when I have to but otherwise I will just be alone in my room, and just be what I am treated to be a—a glorified maid.

2022

2022 is gonna end in a few hours. It has been a fairly alright year than the last two. It brought things that were bad, good and great. Problems that carried over from the past years that I am still battling, new problems this year and also a few of hopeful things mixed in.

First half of 2022 was tough because of the water interruptions (which we started to experience again a few days ago), online school and all the chores that I have to do made the 1st half really tough. The 2nd half brought in new hope as school went back to hybrid and last November 3 to 4 days of face to face.

Last year also made Kenzo part of the Honor Roll which we are all happy about. Liam also got really amazing grades which made his Mum and I proud.

2nd half of the year was also the time when Liam started to blossom. Actual classes had helped him a lot in exploring and braodening his experience. He started to become very curious, independent, happy, friendly etc. He is starting to move away from the shadow of his brother.

Sadly, Kenzo is on the downhill. He experienced a lot of stress lately, he is trying to overstep his boundaries, he is trying to get hold of his independence. Most of the time he refuse to listen, he became defiant. His grade this school year was also the worst I have seen since he started school. It is not in a good path. I undertstand that he is gonna be a teen next year and will start to wish for more freedom and wanting to heard. He is no longer a kid that we “bubble wrap” versus the danger of the world; he now needs to explore on his own.

I am still battling my own demons and the wear and tear is now getting evident on how I see things. I scamper further inside my shell and wallow in my own miseries. Oh well….

I am quite hopeful for next year, I have not been this hopeful for a long time now, I know new things can have a potential to be great or really bad depending on how my dice will roll.

It is Christmas again soon.

Another year. we survived the lockdowns, anxieties of the last 2 years, the challenges at school, economic collapse, high cost of everything and the all over stress of being alive. Not really sure that we are the lucky ones or we are better off as victims of the pandemic? Anyway, another year, another xmas.

I dont know what the next year will be like. If past years will be the barometer, I think it will not be good. I am hoping for things to ease a bit. I plan to lose a handful of kilos and hopefully it will be a nicer year.

But didn’t I wish for a better “new year” every year and always it end up s as bad as the previous year?

Study

I put an empahsis on studying. I can be very hard on the kids. I badger them on why studying is important and doing it requires discipline and a lot of hardwork. I throw tantrums, curse… if they cant easily understand their work, subjects or what they read. I often blame their habits of watching videos and playing online games. I can be very hard. I curse and I lose my patience.

To lessen the blow of all the drill-sergeant like abuse, I give them a leeway on other things that other parents dont normally do. I give my kids freedom to talk back, kick me out of their room and even punch or kick me etc. They can shout at me anytime except during study time. Study time is one of the two things that I am a king (other one is when I am cleaning). That is why i downgrade myself to a lowly peasant rank in other times and about other things to be not abusive.

I dont have a very high standard. I am happy with a grade of 85 and up, but it cant be lower than 80. Since preschool Kenzo has not gotten a low grade. He maintained mostly 90s rating but when pandemic hits he started to slack off due to the constant internet use. His grade for the last 2 yrs was still great (all 90+) but kids are given a leeway because school was online. I will not be happy with a grade lower than 80, I prefer 85 and up, it is not a wild goal, I think I am still fair to demand that proficiency.

Today, was turning point.

Today is a sunday and yesterday I have gotten a message from Kenzo’s teacher that he is only one of the two in his class that failed to submit his creative timeline. I imeediately messaged his mom about it and she just brushed it off. They have plans for the weekend like going to the mall and today going out of town to eat out, that I am against that Kenzo because of the pending work and demanded that they cancelled it in favor of doing his chores. But his mom chose to go to the trip because it was all arranged already but doing so will sacrifice submitting his school work. His Mom had to choose between going on a trip than staying at home to do his work. They chose not submitting the work.

That is a crushing blow to me. I cant understand how the trip is more important than the school work. Is she telling the kids that school is not important? That it is not a priority? Your mom will support you if you slack off?

The way I see it, parents should be the 1st person to make studying a priority. If your parents will support your slacking off, why will you make an effort? I think parents should be the one who must set the standards for kids to follow, sadly, this morning this is not what his mom taught him. I think today is a turning point on the kids, what they heard today can be what will shaped their future school habits.

Teaching is hard and long, I am often tempted to just rest and not do this but I cant handle mediocrity under my watch. But if his mom is just after mediocrity why do I still have to do the hard work of teaching if the goal is just to barely go over and coast.

I give up. I think I will slack off too. If to play video games and watch Tiktok and Youtube is what the kids and their mom want then so be it.

Bickering

Last night it was one of many shouting matches that we had but last night was different it has more drama. It was a typical night, mum got home and brought a bag of fries and a box of croissants. We were all seated and muching on the food when Kenzo asked for more salt. Mum took a about a teaspoon and placed the half croissant cover and half to the fries. After about 5 minutes Liam noticed the white powder or granules on top of the box cover and asked me what was that. I answered sugar, I thought it is confectionary sugar from the croissant. Then I closed the box cover and not knowing the salt spreaded all over the croissant. When Mum saw this she went bonkers and, like her usual everyday self, she shouted at all of us as if we should know that it was salt on the cover. This irked me a lot and hit me the wrong way. I felt her violent tantrums were unfair and stupid. How will we know that it was sugar? Why throw a tantrums for a mistake she made?

I lost it and slamed the croissant I was eating on the box. I violently swiped the box and it spread all over the table and a few on the floor. I almost took one and almost throw it at her face. After that shouting macth ensued just like the everyday, everynight bickering we had. It was a sad sight.

It was one of the ugliest fight we had, we had quite a collection but this one is quite serious than most. It is something that will stick to the kids memory and might shaped how they will be in the future.

Notorious murderer Dahmer was asked about what made him do what he did. He said, he was not abused or neglected as a child but what affected him was his parent’s endless bickering.

When parents or any persons who are not getting along and are on emotional edge due to problems and stresses of life bickering is kinda expected. When you are living a stressful and hard life, one spark of (like a few salt) can make you tip over and lose control.

This morning I suggested to leave. I had suggested this a few times in the past but it was often ignored. I think the solution to all this and to avoid further damge on the kids and to mum’s meantal health, I bettter leave. Hopefully, I can soon.

Leaving?

Last week, I was given a bit of a leeway that I can leave (finally!). Prior to last week my messages about it was ignored but last week I got about an answer. I can leave but I have to live nearby. I said I like that too but I have to be near QC to fix my Real Property documents.

Leaving and escaping the household is now within reach. Staying though really nice and convenient but it had been very stressful. There were no weekends that we spent it in peace. I cant recall a weekend without cursing, slaming doors, shouting and saying mean things to each other.

It is best to just decouple and rest our brains a bit. The stress can be too much that eventually something, someone will break.

I have a few things that will affected once I leave. one is the dog, the sports we play and most importantly the kid’s studies that I monitor. Leaving is not a good decison but staying is also not.

Carrying this much stress often spillover to the kids. As I mentioned in my last post, tho we love our kids in moments of stress and depression we can not feel care, love, empathy. We cant have two opposing emotions at the same time.

I hope for the best and hopefully things will be better soon.

Opposite Emotions

We can not feel two opposing emotions at the same time. It is either one or the other and hardly anyway around it. If we are stressed, angry, frustrated etc we cant feel empathy, care, love at the same time. As a struggling parent, when I felt so tired and stressed I can’t be loving too, I will snap, shout, rage when I am in this state; though, I care about my kids—I can not be patient when I am in my “red zone”. When this happen I am seen as mean and unfair, I realized the sad side of my outbursts when my anger mellowed down. We need to bring down our hate before we can feel love and vice versa.

In those times that I shouted and raged, It does not mean I hated you guys. It is just that being a human I cant juggle the 2 opposite emotions. Many times, I shouted, punished, said words I should not have said… that I only realized how painful my actions were when the hate dissipates. When things slowed down and I am alone with my thoughts then I realized I should have not acted that way. Sorry.

Basketball. Boxing. Review

We are past the middle of summer. In about 3 weeks it will be back to school again. The good thing is, kids are back in class like how they should be.

Our summer was very slow. After all my chores, we just spent our days logged on the internet. In between our zombie-like obessession to our phones, we do a bit of boxing, a bit of review and a lot of basketball.

Boxing was done maybe 15minutes 2-3 a week. Liam is the only one left doing this. Kenzo gave up on it after just about 3 weeks. We review past school modules for 15-30 minutes a day just to warm up our brains. It is nothing of big it just to solve a few easy math questions. I am happy that they both willingly choose to review inspite of being on vacation.

Basketball is a different beast. They love the shoot around, playing basketball a lot. If it is not raining they dont miss a practice day. For some reason, they enjoy playing a lot. I often will ask them to cut their game for a few minutes early but they almost dont want to stop. Basketball games often last for 1 – 1.5 hrs 7 days a week.

Summer was a big load off my shoulder. It is relaxed and slow that I am kinda scared of starting another school year again.