Ugly past

I don’t know if , as a dad, I hit rock bottom, if not then I am about to.

This week was a “hell week” foe me and Kenzo, we endlessly fought because he bully and physically hurt Liam, add to it the stress of the oncoming long test, the difficulty adjusting to my new glasses that makes me a bit dizzy, the chores I have to do, the mess to clean up, the fights I have to referee, my depression, frustration, anxieties and the crumbling marriage and family that is hanging over my head like a dark cloud.

I knew even before we had a kid that usually the parenting you received is similar to the parenting you will give (Instinctively). I was afraid that I cannot be a good parent because I got bad parents. I knew the cycle will continue. I tried to manage it but during the moments of intense frustration, and anger I flare out the same bad parenting to my kids that I received as a kid.

During those low points that I have to hand out to Ken or Li my anger, all the memories of the past will all flash right before my eyes. It is weird situation that while I do it, I will remember it how it was done on me.

As a kid I was pushed and/or pulled violently by my father and older brother and this is what I currently do ( mostly to Kenzo). If Ken won’t follow me, I will force him by grabbing him by his shirt or push him to move. In my defense, I will always start with a stern request and if my orders were not met and after a few warnings then that is when the violence will kick in. The swearing, insults, the pulling and pushing were the ones I am guilty of…so far.

Other than those above, I was punched at the back of my head and ribs countless of times by my father maybe at least 1 or 2 times a week, I was aggressively hit in the face (and lost consciousness) by my brother that broke my Septum, my face was squeezed for about an hour as my brother held me down, while my mother will hit me with hard objects but the worst physical abuse she gave out, and I think her specialty,  was tying me. I cannot forget that night I was tied down on our stairs for maybe 15minutes or so. Now I knew, if things will not reverse I (uncontrollably) will soon fork over the same physical abuse.

I know I need to stop it before it escalates to more violence and abuse, but how? I feel I need to do a “reset” it needs to have an pivot* where I can turn all around. Hard to explain but there must be a sort of a diving board to spring up… so, now I told Kenzo that since he don’t listen to me I will stop being his dad, he can call me by my first name, that he don’t have a dad. It is painful way to anchor everything but I think I need that pain to stop all of this madness otherwise it will avalanche to dangerous things. I hope I will be successful to do a “reboot” or else I will end up to be like my father.

I am tired, frustrated, sad. I am almost just a glorified slave in this house, I am no longer the “man of the house” though on paper I am still the husband and father but the reality is.. naaah. I am just to wake up at 5am, clean, tutor, wash, etc… and rest at 8pm. a 15 hr shift everyday. No VLs, SLs and pay. 🙂 I am in a tough situation and it is really bogging me down.

 

*Footnote: I think if there is a drastic change anyone wants to do, I think it needs something that is loud and obvious. If it is just gonna be a change but not announce it no one will easily recognise that there are steps to change that is happening. Example: you want to diet you can either fill up the house ref with fruits and veggies to make it obvious or just silently diet and wait for others to recognise that you are losing weight. I think there is an immediate impact if there is a loud and physical stamp on that start of change.

 

 

 

 

 

 

whew!

I am badly wound up.

Yesterday I was just spent, I just gave up at around 530pm and just locked myself in Kenzo’s room.

I was defeated by stuff to do. I had dishes to wash, dinner to cook and prepare,a stupid dog to feed, lawn to water, to tutor Kenzo with his assignment and prep for his long test next week, endless petty fights to break up and in the middle of all those Liam broke a cabinet and unrolled my Kenesio tape (again). I just lost it again… though I lose it almost everyday.

I just gave up. I told Ken to just do his work at Math and S.S. because I can not help him anymore. I just don’t have the patience anymore to deal with his school stuff. I just locked myself, turned off the light and surf just waste the time on the Net.

I thought, like always, this morning will be easier but for some weird reason the frustration is still there, I in fact lost it again.

We were half way thru our breakfast this morning , Ken and Li had an argument, Ken squished Li’s face that made him vomit. All the frustration from last night smacked me back and just I could not handle it.

Good thing after a few minutes,  Ken went to school and I was left with the “good one”. Whole morn was uneventful, after Liam’s school I shuttled him to Moonwalk just to separate them for a day or two and to make handling them manageable.

Now, I am not out of it. I can still feel that I am just one irritation away to lose it again. I can feel that I am so wound up that it is dangerous like a bomb waiting to explode.

 

 

 

Hard to manage.

Kenzo is becoming hard to manage, mainly because he can reason better now and has a stronger will now (he has been always a strong-willed boy).

One issue we have right now is his actions when he gets frustrated with his brother. He fire his anger in a loud voice, tantrums and violent strikes. I texted mum last night and She told me to talk to Ken to fix things but I think it is not Kenzo who needs the fixing, but us. Kenzo’s actions are a duplicate of how we discipline him. Me and his mum will shout, swear, call him names, and if push comes to shove, I also yanked him violently for him to follow, I punish by throwing his toys etc.. and if you are gonna observe his actions towards Li is about the same as our actions to him…the fixing should be ON US and not Kenzo.

Reading

I love reading, it is my only hobby that stayed with me since I first munched all our old Reader’s Digest magazines back in the late 80s. It is an On and Off love affair but mostly it was ON, I remember around the mid 2000s where I seldom lift a book, due to Atkins, I think. I wanna blame Atkins because lack of carbs make a bit dizzy so reading becomes harder or maybe during that time I was busy with work or with running etc. I don’t know the exact reason but maybe a combo of all those things. I remember around that time I only had read mostly running related books and a few funnies like Dilbert.

Now I am again in a reading rut. After enjoying Bird Box last January I have not picked up another. I have piles on my TBR but I am not really in the mood to read, I felt my mind is on Hyperdrive from anxiety, sadness, frustration and boredom that makes me hard to focus.

Sadly, sadness can make anyone out of focus that makes it reading thick books very hard.

I remember when I took my SSRI pills, I was able to focus very well and I took that chance to swamped myself with books. I was able to finish Sen. JPE’s book maybe in a few days, Acemoglu’s book in about more than a week, Furukama’s, Diamond’s etc.. all in a very fast pace. I maybe have to go back to my doctor to be able to enjoy reading once again.

Does love exists?

It depends on how we define it but most definition that people have is from the romantized version created by artists,  the poets, actors, writers, composers and  we latched on this definition as its exact definition. Now, this is where problem starts.. We think this strong emotion of love is forever and capable of doing wondrous things like moving mountains.

National Geographic in one of their Feb issue many years back, theorised that love is part of our instinct as animals, that great feeling of elation, pure joy, passion etc  are just dopamine intended for us to procreate. Sadly,  this feeling will not ALWAYS be there and it will last not longer than 4 to 7yrs because around this time prehestoric toddlers are now able and the Sire can now leave the family and find another Dam/family.

However, that feeling of friendship, fun etc does exist and can last if not forever but can be for a long time. It is however not as passionate as the above but at least this one is not fleeting.

After the ecstasy, the initial phase of Dopamine, Oxytocin stage will be next and the latter has longevity unlike the former. What I am trying to say is, don’t make an error in betting everything on “love” but rather just enjoy while it last but look beyond it and desire for someone you can love and be a friend at the same time. I guess, if we can have passion in the first 4 to 7 yrs and comfort, fun, security right after then probably we then can say that we found L.O.V.E.

*intended to be written last Month but forgot about it.

Aftie with Liam

Our sked every mid-day to afternoon will start by picking up Li from OLPMC at 1230 will head home to eat our lunch, after lunch I will wash the dishes and clean up and I will meet Liam up in their room at about 130.

AC is ON, we are lying down and it is kinda our bonding time. Though we are focus on our own gadgets and log on to the web we are still able to play a bit. I will always tell him to take his nap, I will try to steal his spot on the bed ( the spot closest to the AC), will wrestle and have a quite of fun. AT about 2 will take my nap and wake up in 30 minutes and will play wrestle a bit more up to 3pm.

It is just an hour and a half, but we do it every weekday without fail and it is fun.

When at Moonwalk

When Kids is at Moonwalk, the house instantly become quiet, tidy but also boring. Kids bring a different element activity to a house but along with it is the mess and noise. Once in a while to be able to get a respite from all of it is a welcome change.

Days are slower, I get to listen to music, maybe read a book, finish a movie at Netflix in one go as oppose to watching movies in  40mins batches.

Right now, they are over the other house because earlier is Ken’s career day, I was able to fold our week old laundry, watch TV, listen to music while I write this and later will slump to watch Netflix. But in the middle of the peace, there is a noise and energy I kinda miss… but do I really? yeah. nope. yeah. Not sure really.

Bad Fam Bam.

The way I see our family it is not a model one, maybe a model for dysfunctional kind.

I am easily frustrated, impatient, hates humidity, loner, sad among others.

Mum is a nagger, loud mouth, cranky etc.

Kenzo a whiner, tantrum machine, loud etc

Liam I think is the fine one, and all of us are a wreck.

It is a home waiting to explode and crumble, I think no one can withstand this much harassment every time. There is no single day that the house did not erupt from a cry, argument, frustration, fight etc. And to make matter worst, I believe  neighbors are always startled by the constant shouting matches, swearing because most of our shouting ring up to the street and to nearby houses.

 

Daily sked.

*Stay-at-home parenting has been painted as an easy job, a long vacation, dream job etc for the lazy and unambitious.

And who labeled it as such? Those who are not a stay at home parent, those who don’t understand how it is to be one.

The true narrative is, it is a tough, lonely, isolated and dragging one. Look at any stay-at-home parent and watch them closely, you will see the wear and tear, it is as if their soul was zapped out of them, tired and dying to get a few hours of peace… but those people who is not doing what we do  still defined  it as a “relaxed” work.

My daily sKed:

5am: will make up

5:10-5:15 : a quick shower and make coffee

5:30 : cook bfast

6:15 : Ken and I will have our bfast. My bfast will just be 5 minutes and around this time will prep ken’s bag, his uniform and his food.

6:30 : will clean the dirty kitchen and do the laundry

6:45 : will wash dishes

6:50 prep Ken for school.

7:00 will water the lawn and feed the dog while waiting for the school bus

7:10 school bus.

7:15: Prep Liam’s bfast.

7:25 : hang clothes

7:45- 8:45 : will wash dishes from Liam’s bfast and start to clean inside and (a few days in week) outside the house, bathroom etc

9am : will now prep Liam school bag and give him a bath

9:30 will take a shower and ready to bring Liam to school,

10 am : school.

10-11 : My first real rest. I can go to the mall, read a book, do my banking or whatever.

11:15 : I have to cook lunch and clean the kitchen.

12:00 : Shower and get dressed to get Li.

12:15 : off to get Liam.

12:45 back from school, we eat our lucnh

1:15: feed the dog and wash dishes.

1:30 I rest. to take a 30minute nap and browse the internet etc.

3:05 get ready to wait for the school bus and prep afternoon snacks.

3:30 : Kenzo will arrive

3:40 : we will take our snacks and I again do the laundry.

4:30 will clean, wash dishes and hang clothes.

5:00 :  my time to watch Netflix

5:30 continue watching Netflix or tutor him with his assignments

6:00 : will cook dinner

6:30 our dinner.

7:00 : give Liam a bath, wash dishes, water the lawn, prep dog’s soup, clean the dining area etc.

8:00 : my day ends.

5am to 8pm with about 2 to 3 hours rest in between.

It is damn tiring. and add to the job is my need to referee fights and the mess I have to clean after the kids play.

We don’t get paid, no vacation leaves and sick days, no promotion, no weekends.

 

 

*I am referring to the ones who are doing the chores on their own and not the ones who employed a battalion of maids.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The one with a broken Tablet.

I silently observed Liam and I knew he is one brave boy. It is not easy to scare him and he is tough and has a strong pain threshold. If you will see him, he is just a normal kid that is thoughtful and sweet than most. But under that calm aura is a warrior.

He can be nice and sweet. He will hug, say thank you, praise you with good things, help out when it is needed etc.. but just don’t get him mad or else he will turn into an ‘Incredible Liam” and it is scary.

I remember many year ago, his yaya at that time told me that Kenzo was bothering him and Liam just took it all in stride but when  he suddenly reached his boiling point he attempted to attack Kenzo with a painful bite.

Few weeks ago, Liam was given an old tablet, (because is iPad won’t charge) one of those generic tablet, due to its  lousy and outdated system,  it “glitches”.

One day he reached his saturation point. He was watching a video that abruptly stopped mid-stream and Liam lost it, he picked it up and headbutted it. In one violent swoop the glass LCD screen broke into pieces. Good thing he don’t have any injury from it but the Tablet took it really bad.