more of a harm…

I think I have become more of a harm than a help. My life’s frustrations, crumbling relationship, failures, sadness.. are all pushing down on my shoulders. During stressful times like when I am swamped with chores, when there is a mess, when the kids are fighting etc.. I get easily irritated and often lose my top. I say awful things I now regret and do things that I should have not done… like punishing the kids or saying mean things to them.

My prescene in the house also creates stress on everyone, I carry the bad vibes and stubborness. I must, sooner than later, leave this place and hopefully peace and harmony will come to them.

Just this morning, the Punyeta, Gago, Stupid,  and Shit ring around the 4 walls of the house. It is not a nice place to live, if only the kids are already teens or can support themselves surely they will plan to leave this hell hole we call home.

 

 

 

 

 

Studying

Now that we are in a quarantine, the kids are given school work to do at home, a relaxed option to study at but the problem is they are too relaxed. The online stuff they need to do are piling up because they just wont do their work fast enough. I tried a strategy “they study and I cook” meaning there wont be a meal for them until they study,  and guess what, they do a work-around by skipping meals and eating ready to eat food like fruits, crackers, chips.. just not to do school work. It is very frustrating to try to convince them in a nice way, and that I have to use draconian measures just to make them do their work  but still, even that it wont work always.

I am already frustarted in life, I am tired mentally and I dont want the extra anguish of worrying about convincing them to study. Convincing  them is just the first step but the next step which tutoring is even harder. At the study room sometimes they are not focused, or will give up to easily. Kenzo especailly is often throwin baby tantrums when he find the topics hard, while Liam has a stone-faced-i-do-not care attitude.

Maybe if studying with the kids is lighter, if my family life and my own life is easy. I am a good, fun tutor. I had done it in the past with Kenzo. From aged 3 to grade 2, I had been quite na OK tutor. I make games, give incentives, and make topics easy. I am kinda good at it. But since last year, when things have depressingly changed my relationship with the kids as a dad and as part time teacher went downhill.

Them

Initially I was not worried about the virus and I am more worried about the govt’s brainless response than Covid-19.

But just minutes ago, I remembered about Auntie Nene and Uncle Ben both maybe at their late 70s and very suceptible to the disease, and now I am worried about them.

I want to stay thank you for all the great memories when I was young. All those nice things we shared are part of me forever. The love and care they gave me when no one else did. I wanna say thank u for those, but is it too early or is it the right time?

Regret is a tough thing, and I hope one day wont be too late.

Complaints

Liam has a few complaints to his mum about me almost every night. Yes, I am stern and easily frustrated, tho I give them a free hand on many things except mess,  fighting and when they are not following important orders like when to study and eat.

I stopped being a “helicopter parent” a long time ago and I try to let them be… only because I cannot realistically guard them perpetually.

So I got feedbacks about the punishment I dished out and listening to it, it sounded harsh and borderline abuse. Like the other day, it was late in the morning I have to cook lunch and tutor them. But they are not taking the school work seriously and most often they will say “No!” or “Later!”. And when they start doing the work the are not fcoused because the othet one is outside the study room playing or watching videos.

So I was there tired, has to cook, clean and wash the dishes. I  got really frustrated and snapped when things did not go as I planned it to be. I grabbed Liam by his shirt and dumped him in the bed. and even hit him at the back.  I shouted at him to stay there wacth TV and not open the AC. I swore while doing all of this and it was not a pretty sight.

So, after the madness they started to do the work and all went nice after but not after some crazy shit.

Yesterday, convincing them was a bit easy but Kenzo does not want to do the extra work. He did the assignment but not the extra work I need him to do to test him if he understood the topic. He refused. To counter his refusal I refused to cook lunch and let them go hungry and to be honest I am hungry at that time too. I refused to cook lunch and I asked them to eat just rice and raw nuggets just to make a point that I am not gonna be swayed.   Then after about 40minutes of stalemate, Kenzo went to me with a perfectly done extra work. I was amazed by his work.

I am depressed, frustrated, anxious and now in a quarantine.. Life is full of difficultues and curveballs and to be honest I am easily irritated because all of this, I cannot help it, I know I am creating emotional scars to the kids, surely I am more of a burden than a help in the long run.

Corona Virus COVID 19

We are in a quaratine today and our tomorrow will be scary. The crisis is just  beginning and it is spreading at a high rate. In 3-5 months quite possibly lockdowns are strictier, food will be scarce, hospitals will be overloaded, economy will go down etc… Somebody said the we are all gonna get it and if that happens it is just gonna be the strong to survive and the weak to fall.

There is a sort of a lockdown here in PH, necessities are available like groceries, pharmacies etc but all other busineses are ordered closed till the lockdown is lifted.

I dont mind the lockdown that much, as I am already in a perpetual quarantine since I am an introvert and mostly move away from social interactions. What I am worried about is the government response to the lockdown and that our life, nutrition will be on government’s hand, which as we all know that 99 out of 100 they are gonna mess  up. The best thing I can do is hope that maybe this time we ‘ll not be a not part of the fucked up 99%.

We are all kinda ok. food can last for about 3 weeks. So far we are able to do our normal routine around the house.

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I have depression, I initially dont want to have kids so I can easily snuff out of this world if life push me to it. Obviously I can no longer escape as my life now headed to the direction of being a dad. The problem, and the scary part for me is.. because of the marriage is breaking down, the cost of maintaining her expensive lifestyle and maintaining the kids/family, the stress of handling 2 rowdy boys, difficulties at work… are all weighing down on mum. I dont know how far she can bend without breaking

All the hardships we have now makes her deprerssed , I think, that affected her work, decison making, thinking, confidence, hope etc…  which are qualities that she needed to do her job.  I have a feeling she too wanna snuff out of this world, which is my plan too (is she beating me to it?). Now I think depression is creeping on her and she does not mind to get the virus if she really cannot escape it, she has diabetes and poor heart condition which if combined with the COVID 19 virus is an explosive mix.  When someone say “I am ready to die, I rather die” or anything similar those, they are not jokes most of the time they are giving up and I caught mum saying those in the last few months.

Now, it might be likely that the virus will get her (as we all are eventually) and it will free her from all of these family difficulties, now I am scared that I will handle all of these alone, which I dont wanna do in the first place. I am supposed to be “free” from this cruel world first,  am I now in a weird competition who will  “escape” first?

Life is difficult and, really, if we weigh all the benefits and costs it might not be that really worth all the struggles.

If she beats me to it, what are we gonna do? Oh God! a scary thought.

L.o.v.

My marriage life is crumbling, as fast as we add ad hominen, hate, disrespect and misunderstanding to it.

As the pain adds up, the relationship will naturally drift away step by step. 22 yrs of being together is not easy to just sweep under the rug. There is so much history, life, memories, stories… there is so much of US in those years. But the way to relieve pain is to snuff out the root of it, and that can only be done by walking away.

Others can say, why not fix it? but sadly, there are a few things that allows U turn. When pain, disrespect, hate builds up we can no longer turn around and hope all will go back to the way it was before. It is like a “point of no return” an imaginary line that once we past it we can no longer go back, we can try to go back but since our memories cannot erase traumatic events, just one ugly misstep will push you back outside the line again.

Like a Mario game, you can go forward but not backward. One failure of human relationships is that we forgive. Forgiving is great but the problem is we cannot forget any trauma (maybe only thru a lobotomy) that happened or done to us. One example (from many examples) is how I was called stupid in front of the Uber driver while in his car. I can maybe forgive her but I cannot erase that day when I was treated with hate, it will just be temporarily dormant in me until the next fight will ignite it again. That is why forgiving will not work because we cannot forget emotional trauma.