Other side of the coin

I went to the US with some money and with the promise that there would be quite a work to do. I took out susie’s rent income which is around $1700 and planned to give it to her before I leave, it will also be my emergency fund. I planned to just use some of my own money (which is very few maybe more or less around $700). But it didnt work that way.

When I arrived there is really no work (in a strict sense) and to get even asked to be paid is even stupid as I am given free hotel room, food, daily accomodation, other wonderful freebies etc. So I am there in a far place without access to my bank account or even credit card. I am expected to buy stuff for the baby and toys, clothes for Kenzo and even some give-aways. I also need to pay for some extra for some of my lunch, to buy soda, clothes for myself and other small expenses.

I am hoping that the baby clothes and kenzo’s toys will be paid for by tereh but of course it is weird to seek compensation for it, for obvious reason.

I ended up buying a lot of kenzo’s stuff and baby’s and realized in the end that the $1700 I planned to surrender to Susie was all spent.

but I can still withdrew from my account and transfer it to Susie’s, yes? but five days after

I arrived in Manila, I was thrown with a curveball, Tereh was misdiagnosed* by her OB GYNE ( Zennath Palala) and was asked to be confined for four days. The money I have as reserve was eaten up by hospital bills.

Yes, vacation is real great experience and seeing the other side of the world for a longer period is a happy moment but on the other side of MY coin is bitter one to swallow.

* after a second and third opinion, it was later confirmed that she don’t have to be confined and what she experienced was normal and nothing to be worried about. The money spent for medicine and confinement are just expenses that we can really do without.

@USA June 2014

This is the day I am going to leave for the USA. It is going to be a 6 weeks long trip and it is going to be the longest I am away from Kenzo and I know that I am gonna miss him. I do remember how I struggled on the 2 week USA trip last year and the 2 Sydney and Melbourne trips I had. If those10-14 days are tough then what would 6 weeks be like?

It is also the first time I am going to travel alone. It is a 13 hour flight plus 3-4 hours wait before departure. Thinking about the whole waiting time really makes me a bit worried as boredom might make me insane.

The day started very typical for us, it was a saturday so we went to the mall. I am sulking a bit as I am afraid of the long boring flight, slumped in small economy plane seats and how long I will be away from Kenzo. I am also filled with worried of how kenzo will react if he dont see me anymore and other petty thoughts that can make any dad feeling down.

After lunch we proceeded at home and stayed in our room for try to rest a bit. I also made some final check on what I need to bring and if they are now all in my luggages. As the hours passed and as my flight gets nearer and nearer I am getting sadder. Half of me would not want to leave but I know I can no longer back out. Around during this time I am also reminding Kenzo that I ain’t gonna be there in the coming days and that I have to go in the states but will surely buy him toys.
Then before I knew it, I have to go. My heart is now as heavy as a brick and seeing Kenzo in his usual way not really understanding that I am going to be gone for a long time. We brought him to Momsie’s house and we drop him off there. On the way there I just reminded him that I will be away, just to make sure he gets it.
No serious overly dramatic goodbyes, just like in my previous trip, just a simple monotone BYE!, I prefer it that way.
It is now getting dark,Tereh decided to get some food at Mcdonald’s drive thru. I ordered Mc chicken and a diet soda. That’ll be my dinner for that night.

I got to the airport without much issues. I said bye and maybe a reminder to take care of Kenzo, though it is not needed as it is obvious his mom will surely do that, But I just have to say it.
Inside the airport, I arrive in time to get to a newly opened counter and immediately checked-in my bags. Done in a jiffy. But now I am faced with more than a 3 hour wait. I had a book but I prefer to look for an outlet so I can have internet using 1 day 3G connection on my phone. Luckily, I found a outlet where other tourist also gathered around. I hooked up and burned my 2 hours there watching youtube and surfing the web.

Then it was time to board. The dreaded cramped airline seats and the long, long flight to the other side of the Pacific. After being uncomfortable for more than 13 hours we all arrived in the nice city of San Fo.

We arrived about an hour early. I tried to access the public Wifi so Susie will be notified but to no avail. I cannot log on to the internet and it means I cannot be reached, this gets me a bit distressed. I just hope all will be well and Susie will be able to find me somewhere around SFO. Then the immigration happened. I thought, as I heard in the news, Obama wants airport lines shortened but what I saw was horrendous queue. I waited for about 1 hour and a half to be serviced. It was really long wait but after that all are easy. I went out the door and easily saw Sam and Susie waiting for me. In a few moments, Eric was there in the van with Ginger.

The we left the airport and noticed all the landmarks, buildings, billboards etc we saw last time. Then I kinda miss Tereh and Kenzo and honestly hoped they were there to enjoy all with me.

The first stop before heading home is IN & OUT burger. It was around 10pm already and weather is pretty cold. We ate outside the resto as we were with Ginger. The burger as usual is nice and after a few chitchat we ended the day.

Upon arriving at Gilbert Ave., we settled down and shared a few stories and the place hardly changed and made me remember the time me and tereh spent a day there last year.

I was given the master bedrooom, which initially I was shy to accept. I said that I can maybe sleep in the living room but they insisted that I get the best room. I feel queesy because they all get to share a room while I am only a visitor gets the best one.
All in all I am very thankful for the welcome and hospitality they have given.

last day
I woke that morning very excited that in a few hours I will be boarding out of SFO. In a way I kinda dont want to leave a tranquil place like Menlo but I gotta go home to see kenzo and give him the toys he have been waiting for.

It started typically, breakfast with Eric and Sam. After a few moments I am left alone as Eric will have to be at work and Sam will be with her mom. At around 8am I did the normal ‘walking ginger’ routine. I am a bit sad as it is gonna be the last day I am gonna walk the route of nice neighborhood, surrounded by huge redwood trees, nice people and houses. After that chore, I drove the Lexus to pick up Susie and we headed to Trader Joe’s and Costco. We filled up the whole trunk and backseat of Lexus with groceries and went back to deliver the stuff we bought in the 2 houses.

We bought a roasted chicken at Costco and that was my lunch. It was juicy and very tasty for a roasted chicken I am used to getting in Manila. After abount an hour I went back to Gilbert Ave. to fix my luggages and complete the whole packing of stuff.

In mid-afternoon, Eric picked me up and invited me for our last Coffee together at Peet’s in Menlo. We have been spending real good conversation at Peet’s during his free time.

I left Gilbert for the last time that afternoon. We hauled my luggages and after Coffee and chit-chats we picked up Sam and Susie. It is around 5:30pm which is still very early for my 10:30 flight but Susie insisted that we go to the airport.

The way to SFO was slow as we got a bit stucked at the afternoon rush hour but I arrived in SFO in about 6:30 and I waited for an hour before I am able check-in my stuff.

First thing I did after checking-in was get a dinner. I still have 3 hours to burn. I saw a good burger joint inside SFO and great thing is they do soda refills, which is good especially I am killing time. This time what entertain me is my Spotify, which also saved me from boredom on our bus ride to and from LA.

The same gate we waited on the last time was the same gate for this trip, which just like many things in america brought memories of 10 months ago.

A small part of me is sad to leave US but a larger part want to see Kenzo.

Finally they called us for boarding and that brought a smile in me as I know in just a few hours I will be home.

wounded.

What is death, really? Is it an end of happy things but is also an end to really tough life. Can we blame the person if that is his only escape? Pain can be tolerated but if it extend too long no amount of courage can stand against it. Sad as it maybe, death is the only relief, a final resting place to some and even those who elected to have it, actually in a normal situation, would rather not.

No one would have a life goal of being flat on the street after a 22 storey building jump, or with a bullet smashing the skull. We all dream of a happy life whether you are naturally happy or sad. Happiness is all we want but realistically it can never be always that way.

The other day Robin Williams committed suicide and in the news, social media there are once again news about depression. It is actually good as it might make more people aware of the difficulty of it and not make it the most misunderstood illness of all. It is a real fuck shit illness that you going to experience almost 24/7 and no amount of hot bath or soft music can melt it away. And even you have it treated, medication is lenghty and very costly, if suicide cannot kill you perhaps doctor’s bills will.

I keep on telling myself the end is near. Since 1987 have been shouting that quietly inside. There are some years that I had it really close like in 87, 91, 02, and the last few years. Many other countless days, and weeks that are just spent on thoughts of it and some serious planning on how to do it.. but never really close to ending it.

To end it all require guts. Real hard guts, as self-preservation is an instinct that is hard to overcome. You must really get to that end where to not doing it is harder and way more painful than the other suicide.

Hopefully, I will be gutsy too because I really cannot take anymore blows and my spirit is now too weak to endure.

Life’s U Turn

Life do not come with a restart button. I am now faced with the truth that I have a responsiblity to Kenzo of making sure he will gets a good future. Sadly, a good future means having good income and money. I am now in the point of restarting my life to get as much as money as I can earn and ensure Kenzo’s future at the same time…but how? I lived in the Philippines where restarting a carreer, if you are over 40, is almost impossible.

The only hope I have is to go overseas. Maybe US, CAN, NZ or AU. It is the only chance I have to get a chance at ‘life’s U-turn. It is my only chance to be worthwhile and relevant.

But how? I am a Registered Cost Accountant and a Registered Financial Planner but I have yet to gain real qualified experience to work on that path. I dont have world class marketable skills that other countries will jump in to get me. I am just an ordianry citizen wanting to have an honest chance.