Dec31

Last day of the year 2021. I am at home spending the new year alone. It is mostly my decision to not join the parties and just wallow in emotional pain and boredom as I end my year.

2021 was uneventful and it was, i think, scarier than 2020. When the pandemic started you still have a bit of a hope that once we all got the vaccines, everything will be normal bit 2 year in this crisis we are still on square one. Nothing has change except a bit of freedom and mobility but other than that the whole state of everything is still depressing.

New things I did was celebrate xmas with the Herrera’s and here at home. Compared to past year’s xmas, the last one I had was way better. I met a few of people but those encounters ended as fast as how it started.

This year gave me a bit of a hope, but I am pessimistic about it, a possibility that our property might be sold. The kids got really good 1st quarter grades and that lift us all up. They are starting to box and slowly learning it. Around the middle of the year, Kenzo also agreed, surprisingly, to join TKD. Liam also learned and loves to skate. I was able to skate too.

The school schedule is back-breaking and something I really hated. I hated it so much that we might put Kenzo away from San Beda next school year.

Nothing much has happened and it was the same depressing year… possibly this year is even more “depressier” . I dont see next year to be an upgrade, I suspect it is even harder and possibly my last… it got to be.

Baldness

Very sad news, about 3 months ago I noticed that I am balding at a break neck speed. To be honest, last February it is not this thin. The top of my head is just about thining earlier this year and can only be noticed when it is wet. But after almost a whole year of stress (courtesy of San Beda and marriage) I lost most of my top crown at a very alarming rate. Earlier this year I thought I would have at least of 2 more years before I got bald. Unfortunately, It arrived a year early. Even my barber notice the fast progression (or regression). The bald spot is as big as a small plate, round on top of my head. 2022 will be the start of my bald year. Over combing it cant hide it neither can growing it longer. I am soon will be the bald guy…. if only I can get a few more months of extension.

Xmas eve.

Xmas eve was a bit fun compared to last year’s where I am almost not part of. Last year my only part was to eat and have my photo taken beside the Xmas tree. Food was anot a lot but alcohol, the Sangria, JackCoke was good. We spent it outside which is a great idea because the cool breeze outside is way relaxing than AC recirculated air. I also got to skate back n forth when no one is talking to me. In my own “skate world”.

However, Xmas day was awful and uneventful. It was a sorry day of lounging around the house, twisting and turning as we waited for the day to end.

Possibly, this might be my last. Maybe Property sale will be the only straw that can keep me “in”.

Liam’s way

Liam has a cute way to manipulate everyone. Rather than asking you directly (like others do) he has this scheme where we will make you think and do what he wants. It is a bit of manipulation, social intelligence and subtleness.

Rather than asking you to buy him something, like a toy. He has these twist and turns to make you think that will make you to want to buy him a toy.

Example (not Verbatim): Look at this (showing a toy from Online store). Is that expensive? Do you think you have money to buy it? It is nice. I like it too…… silence…

“Liam, do you want me to buy it for you?”

“Oh, Yes please.”

It is maybe a scam. It is almost fool proof once you got caught in his mischievous trap. How can you still easily escape from buying it, while you are the one who came up with the idea? What excuse can you give in not buying when it was already established that you can afford it?

It is a funny scheme that shows his understanding of social play.

Difficulties

Difficulties, Anxieties that life dished out everyday can take its toll over time. I worry about government services (Maynilad), policies, economy, climate and everyday household difficulties. It can be a heavy load and it can break anyone’s back. It will be nice if you have a loving familiy that will support you, family members to help out but in my case I have none. After battling all difficulties everyday, I came to realized that I cannot win it. Life in a 3rd world country is not fair. The only thing to do is give up and fool myself to being positive. I maybe can recite a mantra that everything will be OK..even at the bottom of my mind I knew it will not.

The heavy burden can put me in a corner. I am tip-toeing between sanity and insanity, regards for others and hate everyday. It is not a nice life to exist in.

Reunion

Yesterday, first time in a long time I attended a family reunion. I brought the kids to make them familiar with their cousins and to socialize with other kids. The kids have been indoors for 21 months and I thought it will be good to expose them to other kids. Sadly, the attempt was for naught. Kenzo felt awkward maybe because he has no one to play with because majority are younger than him. Meanwhile Liam was able to adapt but sadly he needs to also stay with his brother. Kenzo was dragging Liam to his anxieties.

Liam was able to move around and act normally. He even tried his first monkey bars and surprisingly he was able to cross it. We (including me) also tried Skateboards and Scooters for awhile and I think it we had a good time for a short time.

Kenzo need to be more friendly and less whining if things are not going his way. When he got bored and the weather became humid he started to complain about being bored.

This morning I tried to rehash to Kenzo the importance of being friendly and the benefits of having friends but Ken is defiant. He resisited on the idea that he needs to act friendly.. It was not a successful talk because Kenzo wont agree. I just hope what I mentioned to him will be a seed to guide him by

Haves and Have Nots

The kids were playing an online game. Kenzo has been raging the whole time and I asked why.

He said that his brother was cheating, he kept on winning while he is losing.

“How come?”

“Because he uses a shield, that I dont have.”

“How did he get that shield?”

“He won/earned it.”

I said, ‘That is not cheating because he earned that shield. He deserve to use it.”

That moment was a chance for me to re-explain a life concept of ‘Haves and Have nots’.

The ‘haves’ have more leverage in life (and online games), more advantages, more power etc… while the have nots have less. He can either cursed the ‘haves’ or work hard to become part of it. Just like in a frog experiment, mostly we dont realized that we are slowly falling into the ‘have nots’ until it is too late. We sometimes ignore the signs and fall in the trap of despair. Sometimes we only realize we are in dire straits when we hit rock bottom, cornered by circumstances, or being run after by bill collectors. As early as now, kids should start working to earn reward points, game gems or whatever you call it so when the time comes you need a shield you have one ready in your stack.