Easy Peasy

Liam is doing well at his online school and the good thing about it, I dont have to force him or teach him. He can easily absorb what was taught. I often hear him complain about how easy things are and I thing he is breezing thru his studies now.

He also very interested in gong to school. Yesterday a snafu happened and he was unable to go to school and when I told him that he will be absent, he almost cried.

Liam is a happy Camper and I think can easily handle the challenges and stress of school work in the years ahead.

Liam’s new skill

These past few couple of weeks we are amazed at how fast Liam progress in his math and the best about it no one at the house tutored him; according to him,” I just learned it on my own”.

About a couple of weeks ago he would often write something on his drawing pad and show us how he add numbers, then he can easily fill in missing numbers in a sequence and just early today he astonished me when he read numbers in thousand and ten thousand place value and tell me which is lesser and greater between numbers.

Earlier today, I was supposed to teach Kenzo how to multiply using estimated figures but sadly he would rather play. As I was holding the whiteboard, Li saw it and recited the numbers. I was surpirised because that is not yet part of his math in school and I am sure no one taught him that yet. He proudly told me that “I learned it on my own.”

Because he recognized high digits, we now can play Trump Games comparing thousand values. We spent about an hour playing it and I was happy and proud that he was able to do that.

Life’s Frustrations

Around 2011 we used to lived in a townhouse that is only a perimeter wall and a creek away from a very poor neighbourhood, a distance of about 20feet. Whenever I will stay at the room that it is nearest to them I can often hear domestic fights, scolding etc (which is similar to my family when I was growing up). You can hear the mother shouting at her kids, fights between the mom and dad etc. It sounds like they are trying to kill each other or about to.

Life’s frustrations and dissapointments are strong emotions. It can be stronger than love. In fact there are many things stronger than love, there are countless of stories of how someone took his family and kids second only to their life’s goals like Steve Jobs to Lisa, John Lennon to Julian and scores of other parents who sold their kids to prostitution, or neglected their education etc.

I guess, loving is easy when the water is still and life is on a freewheel but once you get to rough waters that is the time that seperates everybody. Where love euther strengthen or wane; where hate strengthen or silenced and overcome by care.

We all love our kids but sometimes, sadly, life’s baggages stand in the way of our love for our kids. When finances are hard to find, when the future is bleak, when things are going in a different direction, when the ball bounces away from us etc… we get frustrated and easily forget how to love; when hate, fatigue, frustration can take the front seat and our love stashed inside the trunk.

Tick…tick…

Slowly my time is almost up. I delayed about it for so long and I think this is it. Nothing left to do but “it”.

Thinking about it gives me a knot on my stomach, and a list of should have, would have and could have swoosh across mind. But in a way it is really a relief than anything. to save myself from embarrassment of being poor, ridicule of failing and the pain I caused everybody.

I tried and failed…

2 Birthdays

We celebrated the birthdays of Li and Ken which is very different because of the Pandemic. Inspite of all the limitations we still manage to celebrate it. It was nice, we celebrate it the normal way and ended it with opening the presents. In a way it is sureal because possibly it will be my last.

During the celebration I was not dwelling on that possibilty I still manage to sway that over my mind and acted my normal grumpy self. Looking back, it would have been better if I acted with joy, exuberance because it is gonna ba my last. In fact, writing about it now made me realised how short the time that is left and I am still grumpy and moody. Anyway, it was still a good birthday and they are happy with the gifts they got.

• Funny thing happened that caught me (maybe his mum too) off guard. When Ken was about to blow his candles I prodded him to make a wish. Suprisingly, he did agreed to it. He wished for something which is smart, but super awkward. I almost heard the proverbial CRICKETS for a few seconds.

When he made his wish, he wished for his parents to not say bad words and not fight anymore. It is a surprise and a shock to me because I thought they dont care about our debates and arguments (or borederline fights) because when those happens they just ignore us and still continues whatever they are doing. In a way, I thought they don’t bother to give it much thought and are not affecting them; because that is what it looks like every time.

Sadly I/we cannot give in to that beautiful wish. Mum and I hated each other so much that it is impossible to make a U turn and make things as nice as they used to. Sorry but that wish cannot be granted, it is a beautiful and smart request but the situation had sunk down so deep that it is too late to get out or escape.

It would have been perfect if things can still be nice but , we, humans cant forget. Traumatic events like fights, hate etc will be forever be part of our memory. Yes, we can stash it in and pretend all is well but one little spark of anger will set every emotional baggage and trauma back out again. Ideally, it can happen, it can be done… but reality is a different animal.

Exhausted

In a normal day I have to wake up at 645 to prep breakfast at around 745 will have to clean dishes, dining table, prep for Ken’s online school. at 8 will clean the whole house that will take about an hour. In maybe 1-2 a week I have to give the dog a bath and brush-clean outside around the house; this is very exhausting due to the humidity outside and the amount of dirt, mostly by Maxx, that needs to be clean. I have to brush the tiles outside with soap and water. It is exhausting and I have to wait for it to dry or mop-dry it or else it will be muddy again . After doing this outside chore I will be very exhausted, and thirsty. My body will be drenched with sweat and my sweat, BO and max smell mixed all together. It is a tiring THANKLESS job but I have to do it.

Now the big question is, imagine upon entering the house, naturally you will be expecting an already clean house because you just finished cleaning it 40minutes ago, you saw the kids made a choco drink, ate crackers and toys and notebooks all strewn all over. There were crumbs, chocolate milk spill, water marks, a new notebook thrown on the floor and some toys. Will you still have the energy to take it in stride and quietly clean everything again or to shout at your kids for making a mess? I chose to shout ” stop eating! we just had breakfast! eating time is over.” ” who threw the notebook here?! is that where you keep your notebooks?! dont be fucking stupid guys!”

Those words and name calling are tough and has a psychological effect on the kids, their self concept and confidence will go down; why will it not? their own parent dont believe in them and called them stupid. As we all know, kids will believe in anything parents will tell them, it is an evolutionary-survival trait. Even we tell them about illogical concept like Santa Claus and Tooth Fairy they will believe it. Because Kids are wirted to listen to their parents, imagine if young kids will not listen if their parents will tell them there is a crocodile in the river or snakes are dangerous etc.. in order to survive kids are wired to listen to their parents even though it is as rational as a myth.

Saying stupid, lazy will stick to the kids and will form as the basis of their self concept… sadly I am a contributor to it.

I am more of a hurt than a help.